She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not - Relationship Building and Bonding with Your Dog
Dorene Olson, BA, CPDT, APDT #967, NADOI #1001C
TARA Training and Behavior, LLC
WyndSong Border Collies and Canada Goose Management
Teaching Animals with Respect and Affection
314-956-1310
This article first appeared in Fall/Winter 2002 edition of Corgi Tails, the newsletter of Faery Tails Corgi Rescue of St. Louis Inc. it is reprinted here with permission.
I frequently notice themes running through my practice and the newest theme that I am encountering is quaint, yet disturbing to me at the same time.
Since this past summer, people have been imploring me to convince them that their dogs like them, and to reassure them that these dogs are happy in their homes. I wonder why our dog's expressions of love are no longer clear and understandable to us. Nevertheless, I toil to show these dear souls that their dogs are wild for them.
And wild they sometimes are, which leads me to the other end of the leash (which, by the way, is the title of a new book by Patricia McConnell that I highly recommended reading). Sometimes our new dogs are rescue dogs, dogs with baggage in their backgrounds, or new puppies that are replacing dearly departed pets. Sometimes there IS a real bonding issue, and I do need to step in to strengthen the pet-owner relationship.
New puppies are the easiest of this batch to deal with, since they happily bumble their ways into their owners' hearts eventually. Sometimes not comparing them to our older, departed dogs can be difficult, especially if they are of the same breed. It can also be amazing how one can selectively forget some of the "joys" of puppyhood!
Older dogs, or rescue dogs in second hand homes, can present a different issue. Oftentimes these dogs are suffering untold mental traumas, or experiencing losses of their own. At other times, they are cautious about opening up to a new relationship and new home, and they begin to blossom in their own time. I recently purchased a three-year-old working Border Collie to assist me with the local Canada goose population crisis. Even though he was highly trained and began working with me immediately, and even though I was instantly in love with him, it was six months before I felt that there was any special connection. Now, a year later, this marvelous creature is a different dog than the one that spent his first few months in my home.
What I have found to be helpful with new dogs or shy dog-owner relationships is REAL LIFE PLAY and REAL FUN WORK. Taking your new dog to the park, where strangers come up to you and engage you in discussion about your unique and beautiful dog, can bolster the pride and interaction between pet and owner. Throw your dog in the car while you run errands, and the pet store clerk will be interested in her, the bank teller will send cookies through the express lane, the school mothers will exchange new-dog stories while you wait to pick up your children. Long walks in the beautiful fall leaves or around your neighborhood will reveal mutual interests, as your dog stops to sniff and you get to gaze a lovely gardens and foliage. Your interactions and mutual interest in your dog will lower whatever hesitations or defenses you have thrown up, and your new dog will learn to relax and enjoy the attention together with you as a team.
More proactively, there is NOTHING more team building than working together on a project. That can be working to complete an obedience class (and PLEASE! Use only kindness in training - choking, punishment or correction has NO PLACE in learning new skills!) or a Canine Good Citizen class can be a great partnering project. Teaching your dog to track, run an agility course, or participate in fly-ball will release pent-up energy and stress in both of you and allow you to appreciate your dog's natural abilities and celebrate your achievements together. If your dog is more of a couch potato, volunteering with her as a therapy dog will result in terrific focus of attention for her and burst your heart with pride at the joy that she brings to others.
Purebred or mixed, there are many sanctioned activities that you can enjoy together, if not competitively then just as an enjoyable hobby. Sports such as herding, lure coursing, terrier go-to-grounds, Schutzhund, competitive obedience, weight pulling/carting/sledding, Frisbee, field trials, water rescue, scent work, and trick training activities engage you and your dog in a togetherness that is hard to match. Achievements in these areas definitely bolster your team mindset and set to ease any feelings of unhappiness that your dog might have with you.
Sometimes behavior problems ARE part of the baggage that your new dog comes with, and do not despair. There are several qualified behavioral counselors in the area who can help you to solve your problems together. These practitioners are devoted to helping you help your pet with education and understanding based on mutual trust and respect, not punishment, fear or pain. A funny suggestion that I heard years ago to help people through their problem times with their dogs was to pick any commercial jingle, and sing it to your dog. Insert your dog's name for the product name - it is hard to stay mad at her when you are laughing while singing to her and she is dancing around you, wagging her tail.
And a final exercise to dispel any doubts of your dog's love for you: take a long walk at sunset to a beautiful park. Sit holding your dog while you watch the sun go down. Stroll back home to a candle light dinner for two. For dessert have your favorite poison and give your dog a stuffed Kong Toy in front of the fire. Retire to bed together - with Poochie either under the covers or happily covered up in her own dog bed. And as you fall asleep to the soft sounds of canine snoring, congratulate yourself on knowing that you have given a great dog another chance at life, and look at the contented sleeping form, and feel her love and peace in your home.
NB - there are rescue dogs that come with some serious behavioral issues and need professional help. If you feel that you have one of these dogs, please feel empowered to seek professional help.
Dorene Olson offers private consultations and group classes. She has been helping St. Louis pet owners for over ten years! Her clientele ranges from canines and felines to exotic pets. To reach Dorene call TARA Training and Behavior, LLC at 314-956-1310.
